[x]

deviantART

 

Charon atop the river Styx by =MeteoricIndigo:iconMeteoricIndigo:



Charon mighty, unforgiving, atop the river Styx

ferries souls of long forgotten men--but if he’d newly met

them would their fates be as fixed as the rivers constant flow?
Or would man’s undoing sins be soon forgiven, overlooked?

Would their beatific selves like fireweed grow on burned and barren land?
Would they reach above the rank, bare shores and rise again like dryads new, reborn?
Would that river flow no more, dry up until left was only sand?

Perhaps perception plays a larger role in man’s so called predestined fate.
Perhaps like people that I've met were previously “dead,”
when I take the time to cherish their good and holy parts,
perhaps they do have good redemptive qualities that overcome their selfish greed,
perhaps man really is beautiful, simply as he stands untied and free.

But then what is this force that corrupts my fellow man?
What power universal that undoes with a silent hand?
What is this taint? I ask myself in deep contemplation.
Perhaps it does not matter, only that we focus on the deeds well done.
Hope that in the end full salvation will be won.
Would Charon ferry impure souls into dark abyss if he knew
that it was the impure world that caused them to foolishly imbue
themselves with untold greed, unclean forces misguiding unseen?

Woe to wretched man, Charon!
Forgive him for his impure soul!
Perhaps it would be you in that hateful river
if in a world such as this you guarded over as you do your river Styx.
Woe to wretched, naïve man.

Born into the world naïve, hopeful and wide eyed.
Believing all he sees as pure until misfortune does disturb.
Disillusioned, broken down, defensive he forgets his soul.

Evil seeps into his mind, provides a barrier for his heart.
He cannot feel pain, he thinks, if he’s hardened from the start.

What folly man is forced to live in—Harden and endure

or die and drown—never to be forgiven.
©2008-2009 =MeteoricIndigo
Details
Submitted: May 22, 2008
File Size: 2.2 KB
Image Size: 0 bytes
Resolution: 0×0
Comments: 12
Favourites & Collections: 3 [who?]

Views
Total: 65
Today: 0

Downloads
Total: 1
Today: 0

Thumb

Author's Comments

work in progress
[x]

Critiques


Thank you for your Critique

You are not logged in.

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

Comments


idk what exactly to put...

--
Will u love the "u" u hide if I but call your name?
Will u quell the fear inside and never b the same?
Will u use the faith uve found 2 reshape the world around,
thru my sight and touch and sound in u and u in me?
I love your writing style. You're both descriptive and vague at the same time. I didn't see much you could improve on. :D

--
"I may steal cows, but I don't lie."
I like your style, and this is a very deep piece. My only critique would be that it could use a little more polishing. By "polishing," I mean paring down a little bit. Goodness knows I have the same problem-- using too many words that don't really need to be there to get the point across-- but in poetry, especially free verse, it's important not to dilute your words by using too many of them. Every word should have a purpose. You begin this piece beautifully, with a precise strength in every word, and the last two lines are wonderful, but the longer stanzas in the middle seem to get a little too wordy. For example, you might consider changing "good redemptive" to one or the other, or finding another word to encompass both. "What power universal that undoes with silent hand" is a wonderful bit of personification, but perhaps "universal" is not entirely necessary, as omitting that would still bring across the omnipotence that you're trying to convey.

Overall, I do think it's a wonderfully written poem, a very strong start. And I'm not saying that every single set of words ought to be pared down-- but paring down most of them will draw more attention to the ones that you choose to leave.
Lovely, I can't say much more.

--


Satellites and astronauts, tell me there are greater things ahead.
Thank you, I have taken what you've said to heart.
I'm definitely making it a priority to make every word count from now on.

Thanks again! :aww:
Glad I could help! You're a very talented writer.

Site Map